New York – A leading presidential candidate released this statement today, weeks after Seattle opened up its light rail extension.
What a great train line. Such a beautiful train. America doesn’t build trains like this anymore. We lose on trains. When I’m President, we will build great trains. Beautiful trains. Long trains. The longest trains. Trains so long that nobody can question the length of anything else of mine. We will be the train leaders.
Our trains are the greatest. Our streets are the greatest. We have the greatest streets. Unfortunately, we let the worst people onto the greatest streets. Bicyclists. They wear funny hats, break our laws, and just don’t seem to care about our transit culture. Now, some of these bicyclists are okay. Some of these bicyclists are ridden by kids. We love kids. But when I’m president, we will build a large, beautiful wall around all the bike stores, and we will make Schwinn pay for it! The bike lobby will be schwinned when we start winning again.
We got a death problem that we need to face. Thirty-thousand or more people die from attacks caused by cars. And what does the President do about this tragedy? Nothing. Our president refuses to even call it what it is, the “war on cars”. I will lead the war on cars. That is why I am, today, proposing a complete and total ban on any private automobile travel in this city until we can figure out what is going on. Now, my opponents might call me a bit extreme, but we can make exemptions. This country always makes exemptions; I know how to make the best exemptions. We can exempt fancy cars like Ferraris and outlaw every other car. This is how we win the war on cars. We will win when I’m President.
This line is the best rail line in the world. We will build great lines like this throughout this great nation. We won’t get fooled like we have every year on this date. We will win, and we will make our trains great again.